Sunday, November 30, 2008
Dear diary,
NANA ((:
MARDEEYAHHHHH ((:
ABAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANG!
Nana is leaving for Pulau Ubin this Monday and im going to miss her.
No more Nana here, Nana there.
Disturb here, disturb there.
Laugh here, laugh there.
Bite here, bite there.
Surely im going to miss her a lot. Having her on training is really fun for me.
"Nana heroine Fii pat floorball lar sey sey!".
Hahaha. Do have fun there.Come back soon ok, Nana Ozu?
Life has been great, having someone to talk to.
Now im becoming a little hmmm ok i guess.
I try to talk out my problems with someone now.
MARDEEEEEEEEEEYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Having her was great. Her laughter, her everything changes me.
(:
She's a great listener for me.
((:
HAHA.
Mardeeyah i love you.
And thank you a lot!
In a few hours time, my previous brother is coming home.
Can't wait, can't wait!
Having back my love one's and also my advicer.
Momo i missed you a lot!
I just can't wait to go airport now.
Can't wait to meet abang!
CAN'T WAIT!!!!!!
I miss him A LOT!
Ok, praying for him to get home safely.
GOD, i really miss him now.
Can't cry until i see his face and see that's his ok.
(:
*EXCITED* like HELL.
p/s: a few more hours and my suffering will end.
"i will be back with all my laughter, just you wait"
& wishing it was true.
Friday, November 28, 2008
Dear diary,
No words can describe the pain and sorrow in my heart.
Learning to keep the problem alone.
Im learning it steps by steps.
Moving with life, one by one.
Struggling alone, bit by bit.
Making plans for me to be happy.
Slacking to make me feel more happy.
But,
nothing cure's the pain in my heart.
Trying to be unrealistic.
Trying to make it happen.
But,
all of it was unlogical.
My heart sets with fire, air, water and mud.
See,
i just can't describe how i feel.
I feel hurt.
I feel sad.
I feel terrible.
I feel so miserable.
I need to run.
I need to walk.
To run away from reality,
and travel to a place where i could stay.
No fighting.
Only peace.
No mercy.
No hating.
I just can't describe how i feel this days.
This weeks.
This months.
It feels so horrible.
So,
so,
incomplete.
I want to hit.
Hit as hard as i can.
But,
i can't.
My body is weak.
My mind is down.
My heart is hurt.
Previously, i need someone to really rely on.
Which is my brother.
2 more days and i can't wait.
Can't wait to have him back all this months.
All this months without telling anyone about my problems.
I just need my brother to comfort me.
To tell me what is right and wrong.
To hug me and kiss me.
To tell me that he will always be with me and he will always love me.
))':
I just NEED my brother to come home soon.
I miss a lot of people.
Especially,
p/s: i need my advicer and listener.
"towards what i feel right now, is not what i really want"
& wishing it was true.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Dear diary,
It's WORST than HELL.
My life have turn more upside down than before.
Dad has become like he used too the last few years back.
He starts to shout, beat after brother left for China.
How i wish i could speed the time and ask brother to come home soon, so that my mum and i could stop our suffering with dad.
Life has been worst like ever.
Im not talking to dad.
It seem hard.
He used a lot of harsh words with me.
I can't explain how hurt i am, only God know's how i feel.
I feel like killing myself.
I told mum, i would rather die than being here and suffer.
Dad is not a good dad for us.
But whatever it is, he's still my dad.
I feel like running away from home but i pity mum.
I love mum and im not ok with dad.
I miss big brother but i never miss dad.
)':
My life is a piece of shit.
Im trying to delete every moment of suffering with dad,
but i can't,
i keep trying but i fail,
because he keep on doing the same thing,
trying to be the old him,
beating us,
scolding us,
im not a kid,
im a teenager,
i need my space,
you're not giving it enough,
you wanted to beat me,
why not beat me till death?
I rather die than staying in one roof with you, dad.
You're not curing my phobia.
You're making it worst now.
How i could just say this to you again infront of your face,
p/s: i need my space but still you don't understand.
"life without a father love is hard i tell you"
& wishing it was true.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Dear diary,
ALL THE BEST FLOORBALLERS!
All the best my floorballers for the trip to Penang or Pening.
Hahahaha.
Im going to miss the trip as well as you guys, especially my FAZLIN!
Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah~
Hope all of you give your best shots there.
I'll be here waiting for any of your call or msg or msn, ok?
I just woke up from a horrible/drastic dream which i couldn't forget.
I want to join you guys, but i can't.
)':
CONFIRM SYIOK SIA KALAU PERGI!!!!!!
Ok im mad, crazy and stupid.
Last wish from me to you guys,
DO THE BEST AND PROVE TO YOURSELF YOU CAN DO ANYTHING!
Springfield oi oi!
p/s: wasted.
"missing the floorballers now and also my COACH"
& wishing it was true.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Dear diary,
BIG FAT LIAR.
JERK, JERK!
Big big fat fat liar.
Can i use vulgarities for today?
Fuck you jerk! Big fat liar.
FUCKER FUCKER!
I HATE YOU, LIKE FOREVER BITCH.
EAT YOUR WORDS, DISGUSTING IDIOT.
LIE, LIAR.
LIE, MORE.
ALL OF US ARE INSIDE YOUR TRICK LIAR HOLE, BITCH.
I CAN'T FORGIVE AND FORGET WHAT YOU HAVE DONE.
YOU'RE SO SICK, SO SICK!
Im disgusted with your own behaviour and attitude.
Keep on lying.
You don't seem to be my friend now.
With those lies,
you hurt so many people.
I HATE YOU FROM THE BOTTEM-EST OF MY HEART.
Yesterday was just a pathetic day.
Worst day of my worst life ever.
Fought with so many people.
Angry over some people.
Hate to have this kind of feeling.
FUCK YESTERDAY and all of the LIES.
I miss Amirul, thanks for yesterday.
We don't talk much.
We fought abit.
Just so thanks for yesterday.
I need to meet him soon.
To make things right.
Im sorry, baby boy.
p/s: so fuck up with you, liar.
"dog,freak,ass,idiot,jerk,fucker,bitch,sun to the dal larr"
& wishing it was true.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Dear diary,
MAYBE, it was a mistake.
EVERYTHING, was a mistake.
Been hospitalised and still smiling.
(:
The tag name. Cool uh.
I thought everything had ended like it was suppose to.
But, i was wrong.
It's still continuing.
Who am i to side with?
My friends or him?
If i were to choose between my friends and him, i tell you,
i'll back out. I won't choose any of the options.
Im the one who will sacrifise for the rest.
I can't bare to lose anyone in this moment.
Why must it be continuing?
Everyone hates him.
Im the one who always listen to all of your whining.
You told me you guys hate him, hate this, hate everything about him.
Im the one who is aching. Im the one who broke down in tears every night.
Nobody could understand how my situation and feelings are.
People just say, "i understand" but in particular, nobody really know.
How i feel,
how i react before i sleep,
why am i always sick,
why i can't think much.
By the way you guys are saying, you guys are like tearing me apart.
You guys want me to be seperated with him.
Ok fine.
If i and him are seperated, if i had to lay on that bed in the hospital again, don't be mad.
I told you once and its enough.
I have this particular phobia.
Have it your way then.
You guys just want your friends happiness right?
Go ahead, make me and him seperate.
But one thing, if i were to be sick, don't ever blame me.
Im not ready for everything.
Everything to leave him. He was my everything that make me shine.
He had the same attitude with my ex whom i deeply love.
Maybe, it was a mistake.
To be with him, this close.
But, i can't bare to lose him.
I will long for him.
It don't seem to be fair.
Must i end my friendship with him?
Now?
Im crying, my heart is pleading and begging for him not to go.
My mind is telling me that i need him.
My body ache for him.
My tears wants him to wipe it away.
My hands want to touch him.
My feet wants to run with him.
Im begging you not to go.
Im pleading you to stay.
I want you to shine me like you did everyday.
I want you to spent all your time with me, like you use to.
I don't want my life to be as empty as a tin.
A tin which only contain air inside it.
I need to smile.
I need to laugh.
My heart had suffer enough.
I want what i want, i want my love one's.
I had enough with tricks.
I had enough with jokes.
I need my peace.
I need time and space.
p/s: space and time is needed for now.
"im begging you not to go"
& wishing it was true.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Dear diary,
Why can't it end?
Im back from my 3 days 2 night in my lovely hospital, KK.
Im being hospitalised there like a stupid fool.
Putting those harshly needle and water through my veins, how ouwful could it be?
Begging to God, how i wish i could stop this suffering.
I need to take care of my health to stay alive.
Thanks to those who wish me and pray for me.
Thank you so much.
And to those who came and visit, i love all of you.
I kept so many things inside this little fragile heart.
Letting all of those fake smile runs.
Keeping everything inside, not letting it out to anyone.
Only God, knows how i feel.
I thought everything had ended,
but why must it be continuing?
p/s: am i fated to die soon?
"lifeless without you, boy"
& wishing it was true.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Dear diary,
How i wish i could STOP my life, now.
I had enough with stupid sickness. I felt like im a burden to my family.
I always let them spent their money on my medical bills.
How i wish i could just stop and let them save up their money.
Why waste money on me? Im nothing, im a jerk who easily get infected with viruses.
Why care? Im just nothing.
I want my family to spent their money on my brother needs. For me, his important.
But why me? Why must i get this illness? Why am i always sick?
I felt like giving up sometime.
):
I need to take care of my health now.
I need to be more independent.
On the 13th outing, will i cry?
Will everyone blame me?
Am i the wrong one?
Should i let him go for the happiness of you guys?
Should i keep quiet?
Can i say something?
Should i run or should i stay?
Im not ready for everything.
):
I don't want to leave him.
I don't want.
I don't want.
)':
It seems hard.
I need my life.
I need him.
p/s: im dying.
"can you give me a hand to say you love me?"
& wishing it was true.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Dear diary,
You people make me sick.
Im drowning.
You can't win me back, nobody can take my heart away.
Its 2:02 am and im still awake.
11 more hours and i can't wait.
Meeting with Amirul soon.
There's no tomorrow for our stories.
Sitting here, rotting in this old wooden chair, thinking about my problems.
Im not here for anyone to share my own feelings and thoughts.
Im not like the Hafizah who always cheered up easily.
Let me keep my thoughts by myself. If i were to die, let me die alone.
Let me cry, cry for my own sastifaction.
Let me drown, drown from sorrow.
I won't open my mouth to anyone eventhough they are my close one's.
I'll act like as if there's nothing happen.
Life without sorrow is totally a joke.
Pasir Ris beach is my old past time favourite place where i sit down and cry.
Letting all of those tears out, keeping the problem deep inside.
Silence is what i want.
Life is like the sea,
there's up and down,
but sadly,
my life is down right now,
wanting what i've wanted since my ex left me last year,
when i found one,
i had to choose,
to be with my family and friends,
or him,
it's not fair,
deeply inside me,
im crying,
im shouting,
what should i do?,
who should i pick?,
what should i say?,
am i being selfish?,
im drowning,
im dying,
silently.
Im killing myself, im killing myself.
Can you just shut up and die?
Or should im the one who should die?
To: Eidil Aiman,
Stop saying you love me. Stop telling yourself you love me. Stop youself by loving me again.
Let me go, you're just killing yourself. Are you dumb or what? You say you'll go with the flow and you say to yourself you still love me? What is this?
Should i let my high hopes gone just because of this?
Should i pity you and let my close friend go?
Its better i stay away.
Maybe if im not with him, you should be happy right?
Maybe i should let everyone and every hope go just because of you who still love me.
Thank you for making me feel this way.
But as you know, im not heading to anyone.
Im not loving anyone back because my heart found someone who acts like my last year ex whom i deeply love.
I won't open my heart for anyone except for him.
Im sorry,
you're making me sick and tired.
You're making me phobia back, i don't want to leave anyone who is similar to my ex.
But why must you let me feel this way.
You're making me having my trauma back.
i love my amirul, should i let him go?
p/s: phobia and trauma. should the past repeats itself?
"im lost"
& wishing it was true.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Dear diary,
single and UNAVAILABLE.
Ofcourse im single but i stick to one boy.
The boy who always remind me of my ex, whom i love deeply.
Who made my day as twice as happy but sadly, people hate him.
People always gets fed-up when his there.
It really hurts me to see him being treat like a dog.
His just a kid, who have attitude, who don't know much about life yet.
Give him time, not because of him i want to back out just that i pity him.
To: Eidil Aiman and Abdillah Junior,
Sorry if i had hurt you in anyways when im with him.
To: Abang Amin and Hafeez Joker,
Im sorry if we're far apart when im with him. Im sorry to dissapoint you guys.
If you guys feel hurt, im sorry.
But i feel more hurt than the rest of you.
I had to back out for awhile.
I need my time.
I need to ask myself, something most important in life.
To choose a family and friends or my love life.
I won't be topping my ppaid up.
Im sorry.
p/s: i don't recognise myself this days.
"waiting for him"
& wishing it was true.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Dear diary,
Your another part of my LIFE, baby.
I lost someone whom i truly love, last year. Who i never give up on him until one day, something happen.
Till last week i was phobia about everything again. Scared people will leave me and will let me go easily.
I love that particular someone last year until one day, both of us goes to our own respective ways.
He was the first and only love who really stole my heart, kidnapping the love like food.
Giving it some taste and love while cooking.
He was the greatest of all, he was my everything last year.
Now, his gone and my life was not that ok.
Life started to change fast.
My love for every boy was only half.
Until one day, i found out that one particular boy has the same attitude as my ex.
He did everything the same, the way he use to smile.
The way he laugh, the way he hug me.
Its totally the same.
I was shocked.
He came slowly to my life.
1st, without letting me notice that his there.
2nd, trying to attract my attention for awhile.
3rd, start talking.
4th, start joking around.
5th, start touching my things.
Until one day, i gave him a peek on his cheeck.
We started messaging and i started to found out that he has the same attitude as my ex, since 1st November.
He knock on my heart asking for something.
My heart open and he stole my heart.
He stole every pieces of it.
I started to love him, like i use to love my ex.
He erase the pain inside me, letting all of my emotions go.
I started to forget slowly about my ex, since he was there for me.
He shine my world, he make my day.
I never expect this would happen again.
And now, im afraid to lose him like i lose my ex last time.
I wouldn't repeat any stupid mistakes.
But sadly, we are just friends.
Friends who acts like someone special.
We are close friends.
Not more than that.
Because both of us had enough with the word , 'relationship'.
We both told each other that we are better off as friends rather than boyfriend/girlfriend.
We love each other.
We care about each other.
But,
we have not think about being in a relationship.
He was the reason why i could stand up strong again.
Felt like there's hopes once again.
He was the only boy whom i look.
Who i say, i love you.
Nobody, except for him.
Both of us love each other.
Yes, we love each other so deeply.
But, we had to make our own decision.
If there's fate for us to be together,
with God's will, we will be together.
But not for now.
I have to focus on other things first.
Boy,
you change my world. You turn my world back like it use to.
I will never want to give up on this. I lose my precious love and i had enough of losing already.
I'll stick to one which is you, Amirul.
You made me laugh like i use to last year.
The fucking laughter which makes people irritated.
I love you.
I don't want to lose another person this time.
Because, you are so similar like him.
p/s: we're friends but we act like we own each other.
p/s: goalkeeper.
"LURIMA"
& wishing it was true.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Dear diary,
1 MONTH ANNIVERSARY WITH SOKKAN, DEAR.
happy one month. i love love you.
HAHAHAHAHA!
LAST LONG EH GIRL(:
p/s: i love my flamingo
"sugar and spices"
& wishing it was true.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Dear diary,
Found, once again.
There's someone who's attitude is totally like Fadli.
God, i found someone back. I found my laughter back. I found my lose hopes back.
I don't want to repeat anymore mistakes. Let what people say about him.
I know the best. I know, i just know.
His the rain that goes away fast. His the rainbow when ever i meet him. His the cutest of all.
Let people hate him becuase im here for him.
I don't want to lose anyone anymore. I don't want.
I love him. His totally the same like my ex.
A.M.I.R.U.L
Let people shout and scream when they see us together,because im always here for you,
holding you tight and i would never want to let you go,
your the key to my happiness,
your the key for my laughter,
when i knew you,
you were just a kid,
when i know you better,
you were like my ex that i couldn't forget,
you bring me back my life,
you bring back all my lose hopes and chances,
you made me feel happy once again,
your laugh,
your smile,
its equally the same as his,
i will never forget you,
even if we're seperated,
you are now my key to life,
promise me you won't leave me,
because your the one who made me strong.
Light up my world with laughter.
Because i have been waiting for it for so long.
I have waited all this while to take back all my lose hopes and chances.
Thanks to you, you show me the way.
By loving you, i've taking back all my past mistake with my ex.
There's only one thing.
Never to give up on me.
I love you a lot.
p/s: bandage boy, i love you.
p/s: i need time to cool down with everything.
"having the hardest time of all"
& wishing it was true.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Dear diary,
Im bored.
BORED!
p/s: i miss you natasha.
"i love the way you smile"
& wishing it was true.
