Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Dear diary,
MASK.
Everybody seems to be happy with life, with their love ones.
Those couples, sometimes hurt my eyes.
In the bus, the void decks or even in school.
Holding hands, hugging.
Tell me, he used to hold my hand to cross the road but now nobody holds mine.
Tell me, he used to sit with me in the bus but now nobody is sitting next with me.
Tell me, my void deck used to have him but now he's not there.
Sometimes, feeling hurt is better than feeling happy.
Because happy is just for a while.
Just for a few seconds, minutes or hours.
When people are sleeping they don't feel happy.
When people bath they don't feel happy.
When people shit they don't feel happy.
Happy is just for the meanwhile, it just make us happy for a minute after that everything is back to normal.
I don't believe that happy is forever and i will never believe that.
I don't understand why everyday i feel like crying maybe because i felt that happiness is not around me.
I laugh but i can't truly feel it.
It's hard putting on a mask to tell people that you're ok whereas you're not.
The heart cries in pain, the face show it's fake appearance.
Should i continue this or should i just put off the mask away ?
Nobody can really make me happy.
Not even him or you.
Only myself.
Only god knows what my heart wants.
Only god knows what are my intentions.
Only god knows how i feel now in this situations.
Only god knows how strong i am now with this problems.
Only god knows what i'm saying deep inside this heart.
Only god knows who i love deep inside this heart.
Nobody can change this heart cause it had already make it's own decision.
p/s: those peck on the cheecks does not mean anything to me now.
"actions and words does not mean anything it's all inside the heart that matters."
& wishing it was true.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Dear diary,
Hometown !
Where's everything ?
Going back to hometown was fun but the car ride wasn't.
Mood changes on the way there.
Did enjoy life there, a bit i guess.
I met up with a new friend.
A goat friend ok.
Hometown is the sweetest thing ever.
Wish i could go there for a long time.
To get over with things.
Living in a kampung is different in modern towns.
Kampung are a social place to hang out with.
Are you still wearing that ring ?
I still do but i hang it on my necklace.
It's hard to let go of it.
Actually, i didn't accept the 'break up' part yesterday but today i realise.
You're leaving me for good.
I can't do much after this.
It turns out to be only 2 weeks and 2 days.
You gave up on me.
I never did gave up on you but now you're making me.
I'm nothing now but still i'm putting on a mask to play a role in school.
You let me go when i'm on my journey to melacca.
It's really a 'GOODBYE'.
I realise now, i'm not a lover but i'm just a friend that you can count on.
You once said "see who is the first person to ask for a break up", and now.
Who's that person ?
Who leave who ?
It's actually hard to say goodbye for now.
kenangan silam aku dan dirimu,
berdua sesama sewaktu,
alangkah indahnya sewaktu bercinta,
hakikat di dunia ini,
kau umpama PUTERA HATI,
suci bagai embun pagi,
tapi aku belum pasti,
apakah cinta kita di dunia ini.
There's no need for a relationship if you like or love that particular person.
You're just wasting time if you don't want to get hurt. Being in a relationship is hard.
Tell me, being friends are much better right ? We don't have to be with that someone.
Because, i've learnt my lesson yesterday.
p/s: 100409-260409
"kau umpama, PUTERA HATI"
& wishing it was true.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Dear diary,
GOODBYE, SINGAPORE !
In a few minutes time, i'll be going off to melacca.
To my grandfather hometown.
KAMPUNG !
It's, 5.11am for now.
Well goodbyes people.
Be updating when i've reached Singapore.
To you bf,
Take care is all i can say for now.
To ain,
Make sure you eat well and also take care of yourself.
I LOVE YOU.
p/s: bye bye. i'll be missing.
"i'm bringing along that care bear."
& wishing it was true.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Dear diary,
The truth is the best rather than lies.
Atleast i told you the truth about him.
Do you prefer i lie to you and keep on lying ?
Or the truth ?
You choose but i rather tell you honestly.
I don't wish to hurt you but sometimes the truth hurts but the lies is the worst.
I'm not a person who lie in relationship.
I know it's unfair to you.
I know it hurts you but i can't do anything just to tell you the truth.
I tried my best to forget about him but i can't.
How hard i tried still this heart won't forget him.
Maybe, his the one who understand me and knows me really well.
The steps i want to do, he will know too.
The same mindset we have.
The same things we do.
The same feeling we have.
Maybe, that's the reason.
He is the only one who understand me until now.
His different so different from other people.
Our heart just don't seem to forget about each other.
Whenever i'm with someone else, i kept on thinking about you.
Maybe, it's because the last time i swore to myself that i won't ever want to forget about you.
Tell me, what should i do to forget about you ?
Tell me do you really NEED me back ?
even how hard i tried to forget about you i fail
because this heart don't want to let you go.
p/s: it hurts me the most rather than you bf.
"finding a way, finding myself, finding what's wrong with me"
& wishing it was true.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Dear diary,
NURULAIN BTE M. ALI <33
Get well soon yeah dear ?
Today is the hardest day ever.
See you walk out of the school with ambulance, that hurts me a lot.
You fell right infront of my eyes, calling my name.
Whereas i told you to hold me and not to let go.
Ain, i love you please take care.
Where were you when i needed someone to cry on ?
Why does it happen so badly ?
Why must it be today ?
Why is time moving too fast ?
p/s: everything is in a mess.
"it's too fast for me to lose anyone for now"
& wishing it was true.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Dear diary,
LOVE TRIANGLE ?
SHE'S COMING BACK ?
SACRIFISE ?
LET GO ?
LEAVING ?
I'M NOT READY.
EVERYTHING IS TOO FAST.
BUT I HAVE TO PLAY FAIR TOO.
p/s:
"perhaps i'm just another fucker."
& wishing it was true.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Dear diary,
BITCH, I SEEM TO 'HATE' YOU !
BOY, ARE YOU TELLING THE TRUTH ?!
& wishing it was true.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Dear diary,
Endless fighting ?
A lot of arguments, a lot of fighting last few days.
I want it to stop, stop forever.
I want to lead a happy life.
A happy one with you by myside.
I realised that everyday seems to be not so good with you.
Yesterday night was really a ' BIG ' argument we had.
After that argument, i only have 2 hours of sleep.
All i did was cry and hoping you won't let go.
Today, early in the morning i can't bear to see you because whenever i wanted to look at you, i cried.
You walk pass me, i hide and i cried.
I can't look at you and i don't know why.
But, i miss you.
):
I need you.
Without you, i'm really nothing.
You're the other half of me and if you were to go away, my life wouldn't be complete.
Cause you're taking away my other half.
Really, without you i'm nothing.
Without you, my life seems like just an ordinary life.
Without you, my heart can't feel a thing.
CM, please be yourself.
CM, please come back like normal.
Because i miss you so much.
)':
I want the normal you.
leaving for training soon.
You've been everything that i always wanted.
p/s: worst day ever.
" don't go"
& wishing it was true.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Dear diary,
I NEED SOMEONE.
I'M BREAKING DOWN NOW.
ALL I DID WAS, CRY.
I FEEL SO USELESS.
SO USELESS.
I NEED TIME AND ALSO COURAGE BECAUSE I'M REALLY,
LOSING IT.
& wishing it was true.
Dear diary,
This feelings can't go away.
After school, i will always remembered that you're meeting her.
How sad is it.
It's hard to let myself know that you are only mine because i always heared that you're going to meet her after school, the last time.
And i always give in after that.
How must i let go of this feeling ?
Could it go away ?
This feelings is playing with my heart.
It hurts, it hurts so much.
Why must i still thought of her whereas I'm your only girlfriend ?
I don't know, maybe its because i'm used to it.
How must i get control of it ?
Been thinking lately about this problem.
How should i solve it ?
i don't want fight.
i hate it.
i don't want you to be sad.
cause i will be hating myself for that.
i just want to go away.
find time.
cause i feel,
i am still not a good gf for you.
):
p/s: hidup mesti ada batasannya.
"selagi aku bernyawe, AYIE aku punye."
& wishing it was true.
Friday, April 10, 2009
Dear diary,
It's a Choice.
Went to aunt house today.
New baby has arrived and im glad to be an 'Aunt'.
(:
How i wish i could feel being a mother now with a new born baby.
Having a baby is a miracle where your life will change, totally.
Babies change my emotions and also it soften my heart more.
((:
I love babies.
My waiting time for you has over. I don't have to wait any longer.
I'm yours and You are mine.
Only God knows how happy i am now.
Waited for weeks and weeks has not been a waste.
I'm glad that you're mine for now.
All i could say now is that, i love you so much CM.
It will never be a waste.
I promise like how i promise you the last time.
You're the cookies in my cookie jar love.
CM,
look me in my eyes and tell me that you love me.
Hold me tight and tell me that you will never leave me.
Kiss me and say you will forever be mine.
Repeat those steps and tell me that you will never leave me.
I pour my love, heart and soul for you.
I will never give up easily for now.
You've been everything for me.
I love you and i will always do even if we are seperated.
I will never ever want to stop loving you.
Cause my love is too deep for you already.
*hug and kisses*
p/s: today is the happiest day.
"tembam sayangkan Cookie Monster tau !"
& wishing it was true.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Dear diary,
I'll wait and keep on sacrifising.
Yes, i can't run away from reality.
Yes, i can't love someone who's attach.
Yes, i can't lie to my own feelings.
Yes, i can't hold this tears much longer.
Yes, i can't stop my heart from breaking.
Yes, i can't stop myself from loving you.
But all of that, i must erase.
I'm willing to sacrifise my love for her.
I'm willing to be hurt in any ways.
I'm willing to back off if anything happen because i'm giving in to her.
I'm sacrifising everything for her.
Why ? Because i'm a person who gives in a lot.
I pray for both of your happiness.
I pray that you'll last long.
I pray that both of you will understand each other.
I pray that both of you won't fight anymore.
I pray to God, to let both of you live together in peace.
Eventhough i love you, i still have to do this.
It's for the both of you and i promise you already right.
I'll keep on waiting until everything is really being settled.
Let fate make its own way.
We'll watch and see.
Boy, i understand you love me but she loves you more.
Boy, i know your in a mess.
Boy, i know you feel like giving up.
Boy, i know you give in a lot.
Boy, i know you're going to cry.
Boy, i know your heart ache.
Boy, i know you feel like dying.
Boy, i know you're going to miss me.
Boy, i know everything thats in your heart right now.
Because what ever i type here, affects me too.
Sorry if i've hurt your heart because i don't want to hurt her's too.
Let's this mistake be a lesson for me.
A lesson which i will always remember.
A lesson which i won't make in future.
A lesson i will teach my children in future.
A lesson to wake my senses up.
A lesson to make me realise.
A lesson to make me feel how people feel.
The days with you was the greatest.
The times with you was fantastic.
The night calls with you is the sweetest.
I'll have to put it aside for a while.
Those pictures, will be the days that i'll remember your handsome face.
Those times, will be my memories.
Everything about you, will still stay in my mind but i'll treat it as a memories first.
There's still a lot of time to catch up with.
Just to let you know, i'll be right here, waiting.
I swear to you, i'll wait.
I swear to you, i'll keep on loving you.
I swear to you, i miss you already.
You've been the best of the bestest in my life.
It's a pleasure to meet you again and i thank God for that.
It's the sweetest memories for now.
I'm not saying goodbye because it hurts.
I'll just say, i'll be waiting for you.
As days goes on, this heart keeps on loving you.
As days goes by, this heart misses you.
As days goes on, this heart needs you.
As days goes by, this heart says ' it loves you ' .
Crying does not make any differents.
I swear it just hurt you more.
But still, i can't stop crying.
Someone please wake me up from this ugly nightmare.
)':
I'm losing myself.
" i'll keep on waiting for you even if it hurts. "
aku tahu, aku tidak sehebat dia.
aku hanya la seorang yang menanti mu di tepi jalan.
adakah engkau sudi menerima ku ?
kerana aku tetap akan menanti mu dan juga cinta mu.
p/s: this wasn't the plan for today, it hurts.
"aku akan korbankan cinta ku untuk kamu, perempuan"
& wishing it was true.
Dear diary,
I'm still there for you.
Friendships has been hard this days.
I can't explain how i feel now.
All of it is upside down. Why ?
Because friendships has been tough this days.
As days goes on, i just want to give up in life.
For me, friendship is a one strong chain.
It will never break even if it rust.
To: Ng Sokkan.
Its still hard to talk to you like we usually do but one day we will. You're still in my heart.
Yes, i still remember those days when we talk crap when we were old.
The days when we say, whatever it is, we will still be together.
And yes it will be eventhough im a bit far from you.
Don't feel of losing me because you won't.
I'm still here for you.
Still care and love you like i always do.
I will never forget the days when we promise to be with each other.
Also, i will NEVER forget you.
I'm here for you and i always do.
Stop crying because you know that i hate to see you cry right ?
We will talk soon and don't ever think of letting this friendship go.
And, nobody is stealing me away from you.
Because i can't bare to lose anyone for the time being.
So Sokky, don't ever feel that your losing me ok ?
I love you and the date will never be erase in my mind.
4th <3 !
I miss your hug.
All i need now is,
TIME.
p/s: worst than ever.
"not doing fine"
& wishing it was true.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Dear diary,
It's going away and It's hard to come back.
It's so pain in the eyes also a pain in the heart to see your besfriend hurt and she is not laughing or smiling like she usually does. I wanted to cry but i hold it deep inside.
Why must this be happening ? She's not the usual 'she' i know. Where have her cheerful characteristic go ?
It's fading, i can see.
She's losing her happiness, i losing mine too.
All i want to do is to make her happy again.
The only thing that i would want to have to just complete my life is, happiness.
The things that can totally complete my life is now fading away just like that.
The love is gone and conflicts are every where.
Where's everything that i and the rest always wanted ?
Everything that i needed is gone.
Maybe it's time to say, ' GoodBye ' .
Pictures of loves on 4th April 2009.
i love you guys .
p/s: this is not the day i always wanted.
"i'll be the next victim"
& wishing it was true.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Dear diary,
Unfair.
It's 4.24am now and i'm still blogging.
I can't sleep for today and don't ask me why.
Will be updating a proper post about yesterday outing after flag day.
For now, i would like to express my feeling for a while.
It seem totally unfair to her.
She have to share her part for me.
Whereas the last time, she does not need to share you to anyone.
She only have the half of you and i have the other half of you.
It seem unfair.
So unfair ): .
I feel bad for this.
She's hurt and i know that.
We are in a three dimension love and i hate that.
You, should i back off for a while ?
Or, should i stay ?
You feel hurt and jealous whenever i told you a story about a handsome guy i met.
But what about myself, you and her all this while.
I'm more hurt than you are.
Why ?
Simply because she's your baby boo and i'm just your " sayang " .
It's different.
This heart is actually in pain.
But still, i ignore everything.
This heart cries a million times for you.
i feel pain whenever you're with her.
i cried whenever you message her.
i hate myself whenever she calls you.
i feel like dying whenever i call her name.
i feel irritated whenever i disturb you about her.
i feel disgusted with myself whenever you talk to her.
i feel jealous whenever you meet her.
i feel sad whenever you have to message me after meeting her.
I hate myself for loving you because i'm hurting someone's heart.
is there any chance ?
i'll keep on waiting for you.
p/s: waiting and still waiting.
"endure this pain till the end."
& wishing it was true.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Dear diary,
Keeping it in Silence.
Can i cherish the one i love ?
Can i treasure the one i love ?
Can i keep the one i love ?
Those questions keep on playing in my mind.
Am i suitable for everything that i have right now ?
Do i really need all those ?
Or, should i just be kept in darkness ?
Asking myself without any answers.
Why do i write this ?
It's simple because i don't understand myself for now.
All i did was blaming myself and cry.
Is god giving me this things to a right person ?
Sometimes, i don't think God is giving things to a right person.
I don't deserve something God gave me sometimes.
All of it was just a mistake for me.
Ayie,
i type out a letter about you this afternoon.
Search my bag if you can find it.
Search my file if you can spot it.
Search my wallet if you can see it.
The letter will be hiding from you.
I am not going to give it to you, you have to search it on your ownself.
Writing the letter makes me cry.
Reading it makes me miss you more.
I'm holding back this tears and feelings even though it hurts.
She's the perfect person among the rest, i think.
No more sad stories for the time being.
I just need support and motivation.
HIDUP AKU ADALAH HIDUP KAMU.
p/s: give in.
"aku bukan la diri aku untuk hari ini, maaf jika aku berubah."
& wishing it was true.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Dear diary,
Bestfriend.
You're someone Special.
Nurulain, Bestfriend.
Nurulain, A good Listener.
Nurulain, A good Motivator.
Nurulain, A good advicer.
Nurulain, A good supporter.
Nurulain, is my heart.
Nurulain, is my joker.
Nurulain, know me well.
If i'm stealing her away from anyone, i'm freaking sorry. It wasn't my intention at all.
I'm so sorry if anyone feel that she had been taken away.
I'm sorry, i just want to make my life and her's a happy one.
Ayie, someone special in MY life.
Ayie, is the other half of me.
Ayie, is my love.
Ayie, is my heart.
Ayie, is my air.
Ayie, is my soul.
I'm sorry if anyone would feel hurt just because i'm now with him.
I'm sorry if people hated me when i'm with him.
I'm sorry if any of you guys are disgusted when i'm with him.
Just to let you guys know, i LOVE him and fullstop.
What you guys are trying to say or throw comments to me, it won't work and it won't hurt.
All i could say that, i'm happy for now being with him and i love him.
FULLSTOP.
So people stop all of your nonsense like talking back or even gossip.
It just won't help.
Especially when you hate others.
love is not to force the other party in a relationship.
it's to wait and to continue to love him/her even though it's hard.
to be fair with each other by being honest.
to shape up the relationship by loving him/her with the fullest of your heart.
to give in even though it's not your fault.
to talk things out that is not right in the relationship.
in a relationship, you can't be selfish.
just keep on loving when it's still there for you,
you'll appreciate everything that happen in the relationship.
and you will call it magic.
love will come, just wait.
If there's fate in us, we'll be together,
If no, we need to move on even though we still love each other.
Life is like a waterfall.
It'll just keep on flowing.
To anyone who's reading this blog, if i had done anything wrong to hurt any of you.
I'm really sorry and please accept this forgiveness.
Forget about it and move on.
There's no need to keep grudge inside your heart.
Just let it go.
Once again, i'm sorry.
I'll take this time to wish anyone who is in a relationship, to last long and all the best.
Take care !
p/s: a time to make people realise.
"i'll keep on waiting and waiting for you."
& wishing it was true.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Dear diary,
PISS OFF !!
MOTHER FRUIT !!
Since it's been so long i last update, i'm back to the old days.
Blogging again, been busy lately.
Going out, doing stuff and study.
God, can i spin back the time ?
Sometime i wish i could.
Piss off for today. For no reason, someone got a scolding from me and i feel bad about it.
Sorry love, i didn't mean to vent my anger on you. I love you, Ayie.
Also, to the rest of my classmates.
Won't elaborate much more on this pissful day.
Just to say, i miss the good side of me.
Bring my life back anyone ?
This siblings always makes my world goes round and round.
I LOVE YOU GUYS !
(:
Life has been quite ok i guess.
Well perhaps until here only i'll type for today.
QUITE TIRED !
Abang Amin, i don't wish to fight.
Someone special, I'LL BE WAITING FOR YOU<33 !
AYIE, KU CINTA KAMU !!
p/s: i'll keep on waiting.
"you are the other half of me, love"
& wishing it was true.
