Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Dear diary,
Anyone.
To anyone who i had done wrong to or not.
I'm here to type out that i'm sorry if it was my behaviour or myself that makes you guys hated me.
Maybe right now, you guys won't accept my apologise but i'm here to tell you that i'm really sorry to be hurting you guys without my notice.
Maybe to you guys right now, i'm not a good friend.
Maybe to you guys, i just sucks in friendship.
Whatever you guys think about me, i'll accept it because i know that i did hurt most of you.
Yes, most.
I'm sorry that i had hurt all of your heart.
I'm sorry to be the person who you no longer know.
I'm sorry for every mistakes i've done.
I'm sorry if i've been lost in my own world.
I'm sorry about me, i made this problems worsen.
I'm sorry about showing my face every where i go when most people don't like me.
I'm sorry about my attitude or behaviour, i made to you guys until most of you are mad and hate me for what i am now.
I'm sorry because i can't be perfect.
I'm sorry about me, friendship begining to lose between us.
I'm sorry about me, you guys turn out to be this way.
I'm sorry about my words, you guys are hurt.
I'm sorry about my ways, you guys dislike me.
I'm sorry for everything.
If anything does not turn out well after this, i can't do anything.
I'm sorry that because of ME, we turn out this way.
Blame me. Blame me. Blame me.
I deserve it.
Maybe, i'm not a good friend that you guys thought i were.
If you guys were to say, i'm not your friend anymore.
I'll accept it.
Sorry for changing if i did.
I'm just sorry.
p/s: i'm the wrong one now.
"tell me, if you guys really dislike me."
& wishing it was true.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Dear diary,
Failed.
Yes, i admit i fail badly because i didn't study that much on other subjects.
Basically, now is my final months to buck up because i really don't care about Mid Year Exams.
You'll see me trying eventhough i'm hating it.
Because i want to get good results in the end and make mum proud.
It's going to be my hard time as problems going on here and there without stopping.
That's why i don't bother much about some problems, it's like " that's your problem people. "
My own problem is much bigger than yours. Sitting for n levels with family shaking and soon breaking down.
A single parent.
Tell me, if you guys out there create problems and i don't bother don't ever think i don't care because my problems is much crucial than yours.
Just let go and move on, don't make simple problem led to big one's because you won't like it i swear.
So, mid year was so badly done.
So what ??
I don't aim for mid year but i aim for prelims and real 'N' levels also 'O'.
I'm learning back my formula's now.
Trying to get the best score.
Challenging my own classmates.
See how far i can get yaaaa !
Yes, i admit i fail badly because i didn't study that much on other subjects.
Basically, now is my final months to buck up because i really don't care about Mid Year Exams.
You'll see me trying eventhough i'm hating it.
Because i want to get good results in the end and make mum proud.
It's going to be my hard time as problems going on here and there without stopping.
That's why i don't bother much about some problems, it's like " that's your problem people. "
My own problem is much bigger than yours. Sitting for n levels with family shaking and soon breaking down.
A single parent.
Tell me, if you guys out there create problems and i don't bother don't ever think i don't care because my problems is much crucial than yours.
Just let go and move on, don't make simple problem led to big one's because you won't like it i swear.
So, mid year was so badly done.
So what ??
I don't aim for mid year but i aim for prelims and real 'N' levels also 'O'.
I'm learning back my formula's now.
Trying to get the best score.
Challenging my own classmates.
See how far i can get yaaaa !
Without you, i feel like my life is breaking apart.
With your love still stuck in my heart, i can't go with other guys.
I'm not scared of losing you but i'm scared of losing your love.
Because your love had built me up into a strong and independant girl, boy.
I still love you like i always do.
I tried having other guys when you're not there last few months and it didn't work out because this heart tells me that it still love you.
Others was too different.
You're the one who knows me well and everything i do, you'll know my steps.
Eventhough you're busy with your soccer career and also you're still young, you had always been there for me the last time.
You sacrifise to much for me the last time.
When i'm sick and stuck in the hospital you were always there by my side.
You don't care that you're tired or whatever reasons you're having because you told me that you love and care.
Thank you, little boy.
You will always be my pendek.
My love.
I just miss hanging out with you.
can't get another boy so i'm just gonna wait for YOU.
p/s: you never change all this while, boy.
"your whisper, woken me up in the night."
& wishing it was true.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Dear diary,
A ' BIG ' Fuckers.
Such a fucking bloody day at 11.15 am onwards.
Been patience with people. Been too patience and too nice until they climb up on my HEAD.
Give face, you guys give SHITS !
Give nice attitude, you guys give FUCKING face !
For today, you guys are Cibai !
Never hated people like this before.
But today, they screw me up and i'm fucking FUCK UP !
Cibai(s), thanks for today ya ?
MOTHER FUCKERS.
Who is feeling feeling with this post, i'm sorry but i think you guys eat too much chillis.
Sape terase mintak maaf ye, bodoh !
p/s: Fuckers, turned my mood down for today.
"my patience have it's limits too, suckers !"
& wishing it was true.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Dear diary,
Precious things.
Life has not been too good. A lot of things happen in just a short while.
Let me tell you more about my precious things.
It is a people whom i cherish a lot from the bottom of my heart to my veins.
It left me with only 3 person to rely on since my grandma past away a long time ago.
She had been the greatest great Grandma and i will never forget her.
The first precious person is my, MUM. A mum who i called, Ibu everyday.
She is the precious thing because she was the one who took great care of me and brother.
She love us more than her life. When an ant tried to bit us, she will get rid of the thing quickly because she does not want anything to hurt us. Her love is undescriable. She tried to solve every problem that she faced eventhough she's weak. She'll keep on trying to solve eventhough it's hurting her and she's the Supermum who saves our day and life. Without her, me and brother won't know what world is. We can't breathe this oxygen like we're breathing now. We won't know what the world has for us. We won't know what's Love. We won't know what's up and down.
So now let me just say once. She's the precious thing in my life now because her love is endless for us and ibu, i Love you. Really i do and i can't bear to see you hurt for my mistakes.
I don't want anything to hurt you anymore, whatever your decision is, i will follow because you're the mum who knows me really well.
I Love You, Ibu.
The second person is my brother who i always called, Abang.
He had always been there for me when i was a baby. He was the one who took care of me when mum is busy with her works. He had been there whenever i'm shaking with problems. He is a big shelter for me whenever i feel down or worried because he knows how to talk to me. He advices me and give me moral support. When his mad, he does not mean to scold me and i know that. He pour me with love and i really appreciate him. He will always protect me whenever there's a problem. His the love of my heart and i admire his character eventhough his a bit weak in certains time, he still stand strong and move on. Without him, i can't understand what is ' protecting each other ' means. He changed me from a cry baby to an independent girl and thank you brother. You had always been my umbrella for me to shelter to and i love you.
Without you i guess i can't survive in life now. You showed me how to stay strong eventhough we are falling deeply in a dark hole. I salute you and i respect you.
I will always love you, Abang.
The third person now is my best twin, NurulAin.
Before i type anything i would like to say thank you for your letter, it's really meaningful love.
Also, i would like to thank you for taking good care of me. To show me and open my eyes whenever i feel down or whenever i broke down really bad. You always been there when i'm happy, angry or sad. You were the one who always listen to my stories, my cries also my problems. You gave moral support also advice to make me feel that i'm not alone and you told me to stay strong eventhough i'm weak. You've been a great listener also a great motivator. Girl, you're such a good girl and i hope you will get a good boy in future.
If that boy hurts you, i'll literally bash him up like i told you because you're too nice to be treated badly.
Baby girl, i love love you.
You're my twin and i hope we will be until we're not breathing.
These are the precious things that really makes me going in life. Without them i think, i won't be as strong as now.
Thanks all of you, really thank you.
You guys are the source for my life to move on.
I love you all.
p/s: my life is complete for now.
"you guys are the reason i could fly, freely"
& wishing it was true.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Dear diary,
Dear GOD,
I'm praying to Allah for help.
For direction to move on in the right path.
For guiding me all the way.
For helping me and mum and brother.
Allah, could you please help me, mum and brother ?
We really need your help.
Amin.
& wishing it was true.
Dear diary,
PAIN !
What kind of a father are you ?
Thanks for the beating part all.
Thanks for the cursing part all.
Thanks for the swearing part all.
Thanks for the fighting part all.
Thanks for making me hurt.
Just THANKS.
Feel like running away but i can't leave my mum and brother behind.
These two are my life, my air and my everything.
Let's just put that family problem aside.
Let's talk about this two Good Friends whom i can rely on when i'm having a problem.
This two freaks, IPAN and HAILIY.
About this two guys, they talk straight forward which is good.
You will know your mistakes on the spot.
They are also a great friend to count on when you're having a problem.
They will sit down with you and talk about the problem and give solution also advices.
How great are they ? AKU SAYANG KORANG LA, SAHABATS !
With the advices of both of you, i'm standing strong now.
Thanks.
Well, being friends with them are just great and superb.
Somemore, ipan has been my friend since Secondary school am i right ?
AHAHAH !
I know his attitude.
Eat one side if people got problem.
Bagus niee anak ! Tak suke masok campur.
And oh, Ipan.
Do cheer up, everything is going to be fine soon.
If you need someone to talk to or ask opinion about i'm always here.
It's good that you're an understand-able person because it's hard to get someone who understand people easily also being an understanding friend or boyfriend.
It's quite rare, nowadays. If there's fate, there's love.
Just cheer up yaaaaaw !
Good luck for your soccer match !
Going to chat in msn now and goodnight people.
ADIOS !
p/s: my head is in pain. )':
"why do i get a father like you ?"
& wishing it was true.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Dear diary,
Starry starry star.
Here i am, not asleep. Typing here while listen to songs.
Tell me, i'm so typical.
Climb up again and stared at the stars again and again.
I can't resist the stars because whenever i looked at them, i'll start praying, hoping and wishing.
Praying that life could be better.
Hoping that life could end with a happy endings.
Wishing that i could turn back time when i was a baby.
Why i wish, pray and hope for all this ? There's a reasons behind everything that i've wished, prayed and hoped for.
If only you guys can read my mind and heart, that's so great.
Why ? Because whenever i smiled and laughed, this heart won't stop crying.
Trying to climb back up the brigde that i've built last few years because i've been falling all this while. Been drowning with my tears. Been blinded with these sadness.
But i know, trying to climb back up is hard by doing it alone because i need a little support and encouragement on the way.
Building back courage was not easy.
Building up trust was not easy at all.
Fixing back time was hard.
Fixing a broken heart is much harder.
However, i'm trying my very best to do that.
I'm not giving up because i want to climb back up on the brigde that i've built the last few years.
I want to have my normal life back and also myself back.
I really want that badly.
With God help, i hope i really get what i want.
In life we can't just depend on God, we need to help ourself too.
That's why i'm trying my very best now.
I don't want to fall again when i'm on the bridge.
I want to stay where i am and move on.
Seeing couple having dates and stuffs hurt me. Not that i hate couples, just that i can't bear to see them. It's really so sweet plus touching which makes my heart sink deeply because i miss having those times.
With people who are having relationships, last long aye ?
No fighting, no swearing.
Just lead a happy love life ok.
A person who sometimes depends on boyfriend was, me.
A person who is too sensitive when in a relationship was, me.
A person who loses her temper easily was, me.
A person who always believe in his words was, me.
A person who always remember the promises that were made before relationship was, me.
A person who sticks to her words was, me.
A person who trusted her boyfriend 100% was, me.
A person who knew her boyfriend well was, me.
A person who is mature in relationship was, me.
A person who give in easily to her boyfriend was, me.
A person who keeps quiet and gave up in figths was, me.
So from here, i'm moving on to be more independent.
To be the old me, who's not like this.
(:
Ok, its late at night already. Curfew time is over too and pillow is calling me.
So goodnight and adios people.
Hope everything turns out well soon in future.
p/s: bruises legs.
"i turn out to be changing my ownself without anyone beside me"
& wishing it was true.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Dear diary,
HEARTBEAT.
Spent the time with friends was such a great fun.
Spent time again with slacking friends was wonderful and everything was back to normal.
Like ' ABC '.
About the previous post, just so ignore about it, was too emotional that time but anyways i get to hear the heart beat of someone.
Can be a doctor in future. (:
Ok, today was the happiest day of all, from the part where i'm scared of heights turn out to be just fine. Why ?
Because i climb up to a place and slack there with my friends, how great am i over calming those fears.
With support from them, i turned out to be so brave.
" MAJU FII, MAJU ! "
Looking at those star, laying down and sleeping was the bestest part.
The breeze, the sky, how i wish i could fly.
Laying down with friends also with the love one's beside, hugging and cuddling was so memorable.
Wish we could do that more often because i need it.
To spent precious time with the friends i do hope will forever be together.
Can i have one more night like that guys ? Just take me away.
You cuddle me to sleep and i hear your heart beating.
It's been quite a long time i've never heard your heart beats.
Also the warmest of your cuddle which always makes me feel safe.
i miss those times, seriously i do.
The part where you always kiss me every minute when i'm asleep or awake.
The part where you hold me tight like you're never going to let go.
The part where you say, " b i love you."
Still remains the same until today.
Thanks for spending those hours with me.
(L)
Tomorrow paper is Maths paper 2 also malay 'o' level paper 2.
Well goodnight people and adios !
p/s: (L).
"it was a memorable day ever"
& wishing it was true.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Dear diary,
Moving on without you, guys.
Why must my life be in this misery part ?
Why must it be everyday, i feel this way ?
Can someone please make me happy ?
All i need is a laughing gas not a crying gas.
Can someone do it for me ?
I'm sick and tired with all of this, that is happening in my life now.
After ex problem, come next god brother problem.
A god brother that i thought could save me when i'm drowning but it was a mistake.
A god brother who was angry, scolded using vulgarities and talking behind my back.
How hurt can i be, tell me people ?
Should i just shut up ?
I'm doing that now and i told someone i won't be slacking anymore.
Yes, i won't.
I will only meet people who wants to meet me but i won't be stepping on that slacking place anymore.
Don't ask me why because it hurts so much.
For what ever reasons, i should just let go.
I know i'm such a flower but trust me, it will gets better if i let go.
and i'm going to be missing this great friend of mine.
Adios !
p/s: moving moving on.
"reviving"
& wishing it was true.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Dear diary,
Is it fatal ?
All of the words you spoke to me. All of the sentences that you said. All of the quotes you wrote. All of those messages you sent. All of the calls i received. All of the spare times you spent.
Is now, no more.
I guess, it's gone forever.
First you said, you're really leaving me and saying the real ' goodbye '.
But now, you messaged me and said that, don't ever forget you.
If it was a real goodbye, you shouldn't have said to never forget you.
It does not makes any sense to me.
You told me to take care of myself and goodbye.
You told me you love me and goodbye.
What's with all of that ?
I don't seem to understand. You were too eager for a break up and end up, you were the one who wanted all of this back. In the first place, why do you need a break up if you're in this situation ?
All the promises are gone just like that.
All of the patience's you said, all of the not changing part and all of the part of not breaking up.
Where has the promises gone to ?
How hard can it be ?
If i don't seem to suit for you why are you still craving for me ?
You should pick someone much better than me right ?
What is your motive telling me that your ex is gone for real just because of you're waiting for me ?
Who do you really want in life ? Me or her ?
And now, you said not to forget you and you love me ?
If you love me too deeply in the first place, you shouldn't asked for a break up but what ?
You asked for it right ?
You said that your heart had break into million pieces but how about me ?
The person who had been busted with.
I must accept the break up for the last few weeks ?
You're the one who wanted the break up and yet you dare to say that your heart is broken into million pieces but hey, sorry to say this, my heart is twice as hurt than yours.
You said it's really a goodbye to me and end up all of it was just a piece of rubbish.
You're talking no sense now, boy.
How i wish i could make life easier for both of us.
I'm the one who's in pain now.
Can i rewind back my time to be a baby ?
To slow time for me to grow up.
To make a right decision.
To feel free.
To make everything fair.
BECAUSE FOR ME NOW, IT'S NOT FAIR.
LIFE HASN'T BEEN FAIR TO ME.
WITH ALL OF THIS PROBLEMS AND SITUATION.
I'm stress out.I need a break time.
I need space.
All i said to you is always wrong. All i do to you is always wrong. All i cherish is always wrong.
So what's RIGHT ? Tell me ?
You're leaving me now and what should i do ?
I can't do anything. I'm out of words.
Just take care of yourself because now i'm nothing to YOU.
Thank you for everything.
time flies so fast, don't you guys thing so ?
how can people be so heartless ?
p/s: a girl with a broken heart.
"don't let go just stop holding on"
& wishing it was true.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Dear diary,
MYE !
In the week of MYE !
Boohoo ! Scary scary doody.
Maths paper is going to be tomorrow and i'm not prepare yet.
Why ?? Because i forgot all of the formulae.
Takot macam nak mati nati.
ARRH ! SERAM.
Dead and Gone tomorrow.
Waaahpiang.
Tido jerr la besokk.
(:
Seeing old grandpa and grandma holding hands together, walking together hurt my little heart.
I don't understand why must i feel this way, maybe its because i still love Ayie.
):
Or maybe i miss those days being with Ayie.
Pity me, i love a person but i can't have him.
I can't even have anyone else.
I'm the only one who knows the reason.
Falling in love is easy but moving on alone is hard.
When will this problem end ?
When will i get my life back ?
When will i get my love story back ?
When will everything change back like it used to ?
How long must i wait ?
How long must i endure ?
How much patience must i give ?
How much love must i lose ?
How much time must i waste ?
How many tears should i waste ?
Life for me now is tough.
I want everything to end fast.
This H1N1 virus.
This N and O level examination.
This problem.
EVERYTHING THAT IS BOTHERING ME.
BECAUSE I WANT MY LIFE BACK !
)':Ain, you once said, " don't let go but stop holding on " right ?
Must i ?
p/s: take me away, anyone.
"shit"
& wishing it was true.
