Friday, January 30, 2009
Dear diary,
EMOTIONAL FREAK !
Its 12.33 am and i can't sleep.
Yesterday was a terrible day. The tournament, i don't wish to tell.
There is no use of pointing fingers at other people. There is no need to tell that you can't communicate.
It's was our own fought, mine and the rest of the team.
The lion and the deer? I think we can be more than that, more of the lion and the deer.
After the match, i cried. Yes, i broke down.
My heart ache when i already swear to myself that i won't be proud if i didn't score a goal.
I shoot but its way above. The swearing to myself hurt my ownself.
Why? Because i really, desperately want to score goal to help my team.
To make everyone proud. To let those people who look down on us stare.
To make people respect our team.
Broke a coach heart is like breaking your own heart. I can't explain how i feel now.
Crying was the only way.
Keeping those comment to myself.
Keeping those swearing to myself.i just want someone to just understand.
not just understand but really understand.
i want to make coach proud but i fail.
the emotions when i saw my coach, i nearly cried.
but, i kept it behind.
showing him that im still strong, holding on to my stick for courage.
telling myself, that i want to help the team.
but, today i fail.
i fail.
i fail to do all of that.
if only you people can hear i shout, cry or scream.
its better you don't come close.
i'll be as havoc as you people will ever see.
because, this emotions is running every where.
Calming myself is so hard.
Telling myself its nothing, is so so hard.
Asking myself to stop crying, is really hard.
why must this happen?
)'''':
p/s: i suck for yesterday, so badly.
"the earth is far from the sky."
& wishing it was true.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Dear diary,
That's LIFE.
It's been a while since i last updated my blog. I let it linger alone.
Well, my life is still the same.
Problems that i faced still can't be solved.
When its done and its kind of settle off, it'll start back again.
Wish i have super powers to settle everything.
Back to my life, competition is getting near.
2 more days to practice, wish this time round we'll win.
I'll tell you, i'll try my very best to thrash all of the good teams.
Going out tomorrow.
(:
I can't wait to call my god brother.
((:
p/s: my emotions is mixed.
"tell me, do you really want this?"
& wishing it was true.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Dear diary,
There's a lot of thing for me to handle.
There had been conflict in life.
A lot of crucial things coming up in my life.
A lot of things which really really hurt my heart.
Which i can't barely speak about that things.
It hurts a lot. Deeply.
Fighting is the most hurting part and missing people is the worst part in life.
I can't do anything.
Life has been upside down for me.
Difficult for me to talk about and tell others when they asked because i really, can't speak.
When i speak, my tears started to roll down and i'll broke down badly.
I don't know why but it has been hard for me.
This month was not the best month for me.
I hope people could understand but they really can't.
Only me, myself knows the best.
Even my love one's can't help.
I really need someone who could understand but i know i won't get any.
Not even a person who is close with me.
Only me and God knows how i feel and what have i been facing all this while.
Tell me what should i do now?
Life have change.
Atmosphere has been polluted.
Emotions has been running around.
Heart has been broken into pieces.
This heart ache and nobody will knows.
):
Nobody can understand this pain inside.
Feel like shouting.
Feel like killing.
But, i can't.
p/s: i need some space.
"don't be too near to me cos i can explode anytime."
& wishing it was true.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Dear diary,
Fights !
Make it REAL !
Apparently, i and baby fought today. A big one, i swear. Both cried and of course i was the one who cried first in DnT lesson. Mood wasn't the best after all, luckly we settle it slowly. I apologise and baby accepted.
After so many days that i can't control my emotions, i fought with someone whom i loved.
If you're asking me how i feel, i will tell you how i felt.
1. It hurts to see or hear your boyfriend cry.
2. It hurts to hear that your boyfriend didn't eat anything when it came to recess time.
3. It hurts to fight with someone you love.
4. It hurts to be jealous.
5. It hurts to not talk to your love one's.
6. It hurts to be emotional.
7. It hurts to blame your love one.
8. It hurts to cry.
9. It hurts when you're not with your boyfriend.
10. It hurts when you try holding back your ego but sometimes you can't.
11. It hurts when you have a lot of problem and you vent it at your own boyfriend.
12. It hurts when you reflect.
13. It hurts when you blame yourself.
14. It hurts when people ask you that you love your boyfriend or not.
15. It hurts when you keep on holding back your tears.
16. It hurts when you love someone and you act as if he is just a friend.
17. It hurts when you play rough with him while people are watching.
18. It hurts when you called him, 'kau'.
19. It hurts when there's problem.
20. It really hurts when there's miscommunication.
21. It hurts when you cry alone telling yourself that you are to blame.
22. It's pathetic when people see us fight.
23. It feels odd when your boyfriend is not with you.
24. It hurts when you act tough but actually you're hurt inside.
There's a lot more and i can't express it out but we manage to settle it, slowly.
With love, care and especially Sincerity.
I could never forget this day, the big fight which leads to an emotion situation.
Im sorry in any ways if i had been the one who is wrong.
We are scared to leave each other.
We are scared if someone takes anyone of us.
We are scared of fading love.
We want to Last Long.
We are already perfect but we only lack in understanding.
):
I miss you.
I want to make Nana Ozu smile.
I want her to be happy.
):
Seeing her this way, makes me feel so terrible.
I want Nana Ozu to stand up strong on her feets.
p/s: im crying my heart out now.
"you were always there."
& wishing it was true.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Dear diary,
Really missing it.
I miss two things in particular. Not things actually but its a person.
Two person which make my day, a wonderful day.
Firstly, my so called, 'god brother', AminuRizal.
I miss the days when we hang out together. I miss the days when we laugh, talk and brag.I miss the days when you were always there for me. I miss the days when i wasted my time just to call you.
I miss the days when we went out together. I miss the days when you care for me. I miss the days when you give me advice. I miss the days when we eat together. I miss those days when your on my eyesight.
I miss everything and also i miss you.
I want my old god brother back.
I really want him back.
Secondly, Nana Ozu.
I miss the days when we spent our time together. I miss the cuddle before sleep. I miss being with you.I miss the void decks. I miss your laughter. I miss your, " OI! " and you started to laugh.
I miss seeing you for hours and hours. I miss those eating outing. I miss those Starbucks or Coffee Bean outing.
I miss planning something with you.
I miss you.
Gaaaaaaaah ~
I don't feel right, now.
I don't know the reason for this.
Maybe i miss this two a lot.
):
p/s: i want them.
"im super duper sensitive for the time being"
& wishing it was true.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Dear diary,
How i feel now.
Sometimes, it hurts.
Today's the day. Today's the date.
This date. This memory.
This feelings. This mind set.
Im happy for this anniversary. Im too happy.
Thanks my love, i love you.
It seems to be a dream came true. You are the other half of me.
Your characteristic is the same as mine just that, you're a boy and im a girl.
Your love, created another chapter of my life. A chapter to my story book.
A chapter which is fill with your name, your doings and your love.
For me, im the writer of this story book. I write from the start and ends it when im old.
I hope, this chapter about you never ends. Im only writing it in the first page and there's a lot more to go.
Can you help me finish my story book together? I hope so.
With you around this atmosphere of mine, i could breathe more and to feel how is it feels to stay alive.
You change my life with all of your jokes and your very lame jokes.
You change my life by having you by my side all this while.
You are always scared if you hurt my heart or make me angry, i could see that.
I could even see how much you love me but yet i can't judge it first. I need more prove to see that.
Because, i knew that relationship can't last long. How hard you try to hold it tight, one day you'll lose it.
I don't want to love you too much because there's a reason. When we're apart, i don't want to be the one who's crying day and night all the times. I had enough with tears rushing through my cheecks.
In relationship, i believe that there is always the ups and downs days. Without this ups and downs, we wouldn't know what our other half is.
Now, we had a little quarrel about something unpleasant but i can't always say that i don't like you doing that because it feels so awkward. Im not the type of person who nags and control.
Its your choice, i don't want to interfere so much about your habit or life.
You're big enough to think about yourself.
I love to see you happy but sometimes i don't.
Seeing you happy, makes me happy but sometimes its hard. You intend to forget about my feelings when you're happy.
I type a lot and i just wish to say this to you but i don't have the courage to.
" Baby, i love you. I don't wish to see you sad nor angry. Please forgive every mistake i did wrong or
unpleasant.
You're one in a million and i don't wish to be like the past. I seem rough sometimes but inside, this heart
is crying . It wants to say those 3 letters but it seem hard. This heart endures the pain. Sometimes i feel like
crying infront of you but i hold it back. I kept on hearing your musics because there's a lot of meaningful
songs. I wish that you could always hold my hand but i know you can't. I want you and i always wanted you.
This heart cries when it misses you. This heart cries when we are fighting. This heart jumps when you hold my
hand. This heart beats when you say you love me. This heart beats faster when you tried to hold my hand. All
i know now is that i love you and i wish to be yours forever. Hope that we could last long. Baby, i don't know
why this heart misses you when we fight. Im sorry if i made the wrong move but for your information my
dear, i love you more than you love me. Could you stay with me forever with all this attitude? I need you. "
This heart is in pain when you don't follow my advice but i know i can no longer be like this.
This pain i kept, to remind me about how i can improve myself and to improve this relationship.
Those fights, those small quarrel prove me that im still strong. Strong to hold on and learn to be a more matured girl.
To think before i say or move. To think that, there's always a way to solve every problems.
Thanks to all those fight, i learn something about my other half.
Im sorry if i had hurt you in many ways. I just don't want to lose this relationship.
It does not seem right this past few days because i've been following my heart to much.
Sometimes i miss those happy days without any quarrel or fights.
Can i have it back?
p/s: i need to maintain the possesion of this relationship.
"you don't seem to get it sometimes."
" lets count something, slowly."
& wishing it was true.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Dear diary,
Oh Oh ! Im SCARED.
Pantat, i love you.
GCE 'O' Level result is today and i look at each of them, im the one who is scared about it. My future lays in my own hands. To study well and to do well in everything, to achieve all my goals and to be a better person in life.
'O' Level result is scary indeed and how about my 'N' result this year? I have nothing to say.
Tomorrow there's training and there is study programme too. Shit.
Happy 1 month Anniversary, love.
You meant everything to me. You're my other half and always will be.Hope we could last long till the end.
I love you larr, GUNDU.
His my pantat ayam.
there's a lot of obstacles in life now.
it seems hard to handle.
im losing my mum's best friend.
im losing my confidence for 'n' level.
im dead, so dead.
p/s: what's wrong with this time?
p/s: i love you, Nana Ozu. ((:
"world is turning more faster than ever"
& wishing it was true.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Dear diary,
Deceive.
Not much to say for now, my class has been spliting into many groups comparing with band 1, 2 or 3.
Im lethargic for now, my legs like dropping off and my body is aching. Aha ! Its ok.
Im strong. ( like real )
Yeah ! Im once out of my misery. A misery which holds me from a good night sleep which only Amirah and Fazlin knows about this.
(:
Im happy that i can once again, play FLOORBALL. ( insert many happy and mad faces )
On the other hand, i felt this way.
Is my love being unappreciated by you? Why must you still look into one's of your admirer?
Why must you still be so energetic to her? Do you still like her? Do you want her?
I leave my past and needs away and i took you by loving you.
I never once look back at my past for another guy. All i knew was loving you and not looking back at my love one's.
But why must you? Im a little heart ache about this situation now.
But i kept it all alone.
Maybe, im just not as perfect as she is. Fullstop.
p/s: it will last long, i promise.
"those heart ache means a lot."
& wishing it was true.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Dear diary,
Recovering.
Missing.
Thanks to all my friends who had care for me.
A big THANKS to all of you:
Amirah.
Ain.
Aisha.
Azilah.
Effa.
Ernie.
Natasha.
Clara.
Farhana.
Sokkan.
Hasanah.
Fatimah.
Rozanna.
Hafiz Cine.
Chanel.
Wei San.
Iman.
Nazimah.
If i miss anyone's name, i would say thanks for the care and concern.
Once again, THANK YOU. ALL of YOU.
Not forgetting, Baby.
Thanks for being there and sending me home when im not ok.
I LOVE YOU.
Fullstop larr ok?
Dot.
I started to miss more people now.
(:
p/s: i miss you.
"let's turn the other way round"
& wishing it was true.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Dear diary,
Friendship.
Happy 4 MONTHS friendship anniversary, Ng Sokkan.
Heyhey(: . Thanks for all the support, advice, care and love.
You had always been there for me when im up or down or even when im slow.
You had always been my bestest of friend.
Every morning before going to school, you had always make my day.
After school when im free, we were always there to go somewhere.
When weekends came, we have little time to spent.
But overall, being your friend was a blessed.
You give me endless support, you give me endless care.
You were always by my side when i laugh, cry, angry or even when im sick.
We always share stories, jokes or our thoughts together.
I LOVE YOU, my precious friend.
You're my morning GLORY !
p/s: i love you.
"realising the fact was hard"
& wishing it was true.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Dear diary,
2009 pathetic !
Holding all this tears and heart ache inside.
I don't wish to talk to people now. Feel like locking myself in my room and ask myself why.
I don't wish to elaborate because im stupid in skills. Fullstop.
Yes, im blaming myself.
Blame me, ok?
Feel like telling everyone that im slow and i can't be a better player.
Yes, my heart is aching because people are better and more worth it.
I don't wish to post my feelings or even this. It just makes me feel not worth it.
Im controling this emotions real strong. I don't want any tears to drop but i fail.
Im still not strong as i thought i were.
Im just not worth anyone's time. Kick me away.
Throw me away because i sucks.
I don't wish to be like this but i can't fake it. Let me be alone for awhile.
Do my own stuff and let me realise on my own.
Feel like locking those doors, trapping me inside with question and question marks.
Let me fade, fade away in darkness. Let me try, try to be someone better.
Let me answer those question when im ready.
I don't like to be force but seriously i hate today.
A BIG FULLSTOP.
p/s: never felt this pain before and its aching.
"im just a rose which wither in fall seasons and bloom in spring seasons."
& wishing it was true.
