Saturday, February 28, 2009
Dear diary,
Aminurizal Bin Jasni.
Syafiqah Bte Sazali.
I let anger control me that time and i admit.Meet me soon and face me, to tell me everything that happened between you two.No point of me getting more frustrated without listening to your story, fika.Just let go of this problem and whatever i and the rest did, on behalf of them i seek for your forgiveness.Im sorry and just let go of this stupidity fights.There's always a reason why i acted that way, that time.My mind is just corrupted by emotions.To Aminurizal, who says im no longer his god sister :
Im sorry on behalf of them too. I apologise for everything i did that night.
Since i am no longer your ' adik ' , maybe i should just let it go.
Its your decision and i still respect you as my god brother.
I never hated you before just that im angry that's all.
Your message hurts me. Not only me who loses you, Ira too.
Both of us lose you. I just can't explain how i feel now.
I can't talk to you, i can just type.
Typing is also as hard as talking because whenever i wanted to type out all of this, i cried.
You are no longer my brother which i can talk to when i feel emotionally hurt.
You are no longer my brother who will always take care of me.
You are no longer my brother to play jokes with.
You are no longer my brother which i can hug with.
You are no longer my brother who will always call me ' adeq ' whenever you see me.
You are no longer my brother who always sing with me one particular song.
You are no longer my brother who always spend time by taking care of me.
Maybe i should just let it go because abang already had let go.
Everything is in a mess.
Rewind back the memories makes me cry.
All i can do is to hope that abang will be back.
But i know, abang will not.
Let it be. Im no longer his to take care of.
Since the day abang left me and the rest, i was really dishearted.
Knowing that a brother whom you always love has vanish into thin air.
Seeing those people faces sad and dissapointed make me want to cry but i told myself to stay strong and act as per normal and yes i did.
A brother who i always pampered with is no longer by myside.
I must remember myself that his no longer my abang so that i can get over with.
But, always everyday i keep on saying abang amin, abang amin.
This heart yarns for him to come back.
I often feel sad and angry since he leave me and the rest.
My mood swing has worsen.
Im no longer a good patience girl.
)':
I can't elaborate more now. Give me time.
Just want to say that, i miss him already right now.
So much....
I gave up on myself and i ate chocolates, yes eventhough im allergic to it yet i still eat it because i give up on myself.
Every morning, i will suffer the pain before i can move any parts of the body.
Its really painful especially in the stomach.
Let me be sick because it won't feel as hurt as my heart is right now.
Let tears roll down my face because im trying to learn how to calm myself down.
Let me be sick because i don't want people to pampered me more.
Let me die if its the better for the rest.
I just need time to let abang go since im no longer his adeq.
All of those promises we made together just end like that, breaking my heart apart.
p/s: its so painful.
"dying was the plan"
Friday, February 27, 2009
Dear diary,
Cramping in just one place.
Sitting in computer lab 2, finishing my reseacrh on Design and Technology.I've got nothing to do except for listening to musics and blogging.My real intention was actually to sleep in this aircorn room because its to cool but i gave up due to the noise level.Bruises all over this leg, painful and hurting.Soccer training was tiring. Everyday, train, train and keep on training.My thumb is hurting maybe because of the training.Feel like its dislocated somehow.Nowadays, going out playing soccer till late at night seems to be my hobby.Feel like going out could kill all these hurts that i kept inside me.A ball to let go of my anger, teammates to learn more skills and time to kill this feeling of hurt.I can't help myself to stay at home for even 5 hours.It does not seem like a house anymore, its more like an hotel which you go in and out easily.I don't want to dissapoint mum actually but i have to do something about myself first.How mentally ill i can get for today ?Early in the morning, heard mum and dad quarrel.Everyday is the same.Wish i had a power to stop everything that happened all this while.Guess mum head had been corrupted by viruses of freaking dad.Wish all of this could just go away.Maybe if dad wasn't here at all, mum will not be too sensitive about dad or even had an intention to divorce or kill herself.Mum is too stress about her work and also us.Wish i could help her.If only i could.Dad slammed the gate and off to work without talking or realising that i was there.When tension has been corrupted in the mind, conflict will always came after anger.Feel like running home but i don't wish to leave mum and brother in this situation.How i really wish i could stop everything soon.Money is not the answer, love is the real answer to everything.Money can buy stuff but money can't buy one's love.People say love is in the air but where is it ?Is it hard to get one's love ?Dishearted for this morning.):
I love my friends for today.Ahaha ! Not only today but everyday.Thanks to :-
Sokkan.Nurulain.Nur Amirah. ( gila ! )Ernie.Effa.Azilah.Farhana.Nazimah.Hasanah.Emmanuel. ( L )(:
Hope today will be as happy as yesterday.
Floorball in the afternoon.
Jogging at night.
Edited.
Errrrrgh ! fuck off la. You do it again.
What if you are already piss off and people don't listen or understand what you say ?
Don't you feel piss off. BITCH !
You confirm will be very very piss off right ?
Come on la, Natasha. You know that im a hot tempered person and you like take it seriously.
Like seriously shit you know. Come on la. Very piss off with you still.
((:
p/s: aku tak suke ape jadi pade pagi tadi."B O I"
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Dear diary,
So freaking PISS OFF !
I didn't expect to be this mad. This angry and furious until now.So fucking fucking piss off.With spammers around acting like losers and always busybody about others life.Go look in the mirror before saying other's maybe you will never spot your own mistakes.You, yourself may not be as perfect as what you are now because i knew that im not perfect in this world.At least i don't disturb people life by busybody about them or spam without names.I have my own life to settle that's why i always fuck off when i see people who seems to be bastard in their relationship or life.I give advices but i don't make the situation to be more worst than before.So who feels that im refering to them im so sorry.Because if you eat a chili on your way home, you'll taste the spicyness of it.I'll just have to say that, spammers are fucking losers.Moving on. People who can't accept what i say just don't bother to talk to me.If you can't accept the words which came out from my mouth than fuck off and die.Opsz, maybe you were grown in a clean and well mannered society thats why you can't accept those harsh words.I was grown in a harsh and violent society thats why i can't understand you sometimes.Well, sorry for that.Maybe for you stupid is really a heavy word right ?So don't bother to talk to me in my face because a little harsh words can make you feel odd.Im lazy to act as a polite girl because its so not me.At least i got table manners ok ?FRUIT YOU CHEESECAKE.When tension and frustrations feelings appear, there will always be a conflict.People keep on pissing me off and i don't know why.Bloody hell people, go die better.Haven't die, die faster.PIG !Its my life and not yours.So don't bother about it or concern about it.I have my own ways.Im no longer a small girl who don't realise her own mistakes.p/s: spammers, haha !"taking those guns out and feel like shooting it directly to your face, bitch"
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Dear diary,
It's been so LONG.
Its been days that i last update.Emotions keeps on runing through my veins like 1342,9088476 times.I don't wish to elaborate about everything.Just one word, ' FUCK ' !Friendship seems nothing too. You're avoiding me when ever you see me.You intend to change seat and not sitting beside me anymore.You intend to look away whenever i peep on you.You intend to ask people rather than asking me.Let me type in malay, " Aku tahu, aku cuma sekadar TEMAN. TEMAN yang menemani engkau apabila engkau sedih.
Tetapi aku jugak seperti engkau yang punya perasaan. Tetapi aku letak perasaan itu jauh
kerana engkau adalah TEMANKU. Aku cuma SAHABAT yang hanya boleh membuat engkau
ketawa apabila engkau muram. Tetapi, engkau tidak pernah menghargainya. Apakah silap aku,
hingga engkau mahu menghilangkan diri ? Adakah aku yang salah dengan semua ini ?
Aku akan tetap berfikir, jika engkau KAWAN, SAHABAT ataupun TEMANKU. "
)':Im worst.
I need medicine.
I need time to kill.
I need anyone who is free right now.
Moving on is quite hard.
Sorry but i need to re-think.
):
p/s: im nothing to you but im something to myself."a piece of shit which i took taste horrible. breaking away."
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Dear diary,
Confessing.
I leave it to you. All those answer.I didn't realise that you're such a confession boy, boyfriend.Oh, i shouldn't call you that since we both treat each other like shit.By the way it looks, you're just a friend to me.Im talking now and i know it hurts when you read this.But, its my time now for my biggest confession.You told nearly everyone about my attitude whereas i kept your negative attitude alone.Without people realising, im the one who is HURT the most.Why i said that? It simply because of this.You had so many friends to confess your feelings.You don't have so much problems.You don't have a mad dad like i do.You don't have a family who always breaking down.You don't have this feeling how i feel.Its easy to say like this, You just simply don't know me yet.Yes, you don't really seem to know me and my life story well enough.Nobody knows how my family is.My family always play a role when we're outside.Laugh, chat and smile like other families do but the truth is we have none of that.Im tired to play a role as a cheerful girl which people see that im fine.Yes, i swear to God that im tired.All this fake role, this scenes.I wish i could just say that, actually IM NOT HAPPY.My family is nearly ruin.ALMOST and ALWAYS does.Nearly had a thousand words of , 'divorce'.The needs of the family is always supplied but we are lacking of father and husband love.The satisfaction of our family is none.We don't have that.With a father like that, i rather kill myself than staying alive.Nobody could hear this crying or shouting.Nobody can feel how this heart breaks into tiny pieces everyday and every year.Nobody could understand my situation.Nobody i can rely on.Just me myself.I told you, that i have a lot of problem thats why i intend to become more sensitive.With family like that and other problems i really can't cope alone.Trying to fix the most important one but always fail to do so.Why?Because dad won't change or listen.He knows how to beat, scold and say vulgarities.Bloody, for me, the most important is family.Because my family is breaking apart already.So if i were to say, you are just like a friend you better take that.Try to accept things that is unexpected in life now.Try to solve your own emotions because im trying it too.With you like that, with family like this.I will never go anywhere.Maybe, its not a better time for me to have anyone as a boyfriend.I know that my family problems won't end and i know i can't solve my relationship problem either.Its better being close friends rather than a boyfriend.This is my biggest confession ever.Im sorry.People who disagree, get your own life.
You won't know or understand about my life so just fuck off and shut up.
Thank you.
p/s: keeping a lot of secrets."sometimes fixing the broken is not good."
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Dear diary,
It's not Right.
Father had done it again. He should know a flight which is at 11pm will surely be late.Why must you be scolding? Im the one who is right ok. You said that and i say the same way you did,you had been like this since i was small and you think that you are the biggest in the family because to you, you are a father. That's not true. So what if you are a father?You are just a father, not a GOD.Nobody knows my father well except for my family. Everyone sees that he is well behave and what so ever but no. He had not been a good boy since he married my mum.His been beating, scolding and everything he do is negative.We, family are the one's who suffered. With dad like that, i feel like dying.I told mum, let him beat me till death but mum ask me whether i love her and brother or not.From there, i realise. Without me, i can't protect them in any ways.Mum, please forgive me.Yes, ofcourse i love you a lot.My family problems will never be solve if my dad never change his attitude.Happy Birthday my DEAR SOKKAN.
I love you.You had always been there for me.To tell you the truth, i've been keeping a lot of secrets with all of you.Especially you, Sokkan.About my life and my problems.Im so sorry.):But please, when the right time is there.I will surely tell you ok, love?Happy 16th birthday.you were there when i cried last night.you told me to sleep over at your house which you always declared that your mum is my mother-in-law.you told me not to cry.you ask me whether im ok or not when i was dropping down on my bus stop.you feed me and told me that i should eat at your house.you feed me the last bit of your burger.you make me laugh.when you're there, i feel secure.but, i know one thing.i will never ever get you.To my brother, MOMO BACIN.
All the best in your relationship my brother.I love you, take care of her ok?If there's anything you need to tell or share im always there.Blood is thicker than water.I love you.let me once cried on your shoulder,cos i can't stand all of this nonsence,i need someone who is strong like you to be there,alep,i need you.p/s: im always crying."let it go"
