Sunday, November 9, 2008
Dear diary,
You people make me sick.
Im drowning.
You can't win me back, nobody can take my heart away.
Its 2:02 am and im still awake.
11 more hours and i can't wait.
Meeting with Amirul soon.
There's no tomorrow for our stories.
Sitting here, rotting in this old wooden chair, thinking about my problems.
Im not here for anyone to share my own feelings and thoughts.
Im not like the Hafizah who always cheered up easily.
Let me keep my thoughts by myself. If i were to die, let me die alone.
Let me cry, cry for my own sastifaction.
Let me drown, drown from sorrow.
I won't open my mouth to anyone eventhough they are my close one's.
I'll act like as if there's nothing happen.
Life without sorrow is totally a joke.
Pasir Ris beach is my old past time favourite place where i sit down and cry.
Letting all of those tears out, keeping the problem deep inside.
Silence is what i want.
Life is like the sea,
there's up and down,
but sadly,
my life is down right now,
wanting what i've wanted since my ex left me last year,
when i found one,
i had to choose,
to be with my family and friends,
or him,
it's not fair,
deeply inside me,
im crying,
im shouting,
what should i do?,
who should i pick?,
what should i say?,
am i being selfish?,
im drowning,
im dying,
silently.
Im killing myself, im killing myself.
Can you just shut up and die?
Or should im the one who should die?
To: Eidil Aiman,
Stop saying you love me. Stop telling yourself you love me. Stop youself by loving me again.
Let me go, you're just killing yourself. Are you dumb or what? You say you'll go with the flow and you say to yourself you still love me? What is this?
Should i let my high hopes gone just because of this?
Should i pity you and let my close friend go?
Its better i stay away.
Maybe if im not with him, you should be happy right?
Maybe i should let everyone and every hope go just because of you who still love me.
Thank you for making me feel this way.
But as you know, im not heading to anyone.
Im not loving anyone back because my heart found someone who acts like my last year ex whom i deeply love.
I won't open my heart for anyone except for him.
Im sorry,
you're making me sick and tired.
You're making me phobia back, i don't want to leave anyone who is similar to my ex.
But why must you let me feel this way.
You're making me having my trauma back.
i love my amirul, should i let him go?
p/s: phobia and trauma. should the past repeats itself?
"im lost"
& wishing it was true.
